Why we're not okay
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We are not okay because human beings are biologically wired for connection and truth, but we are raised inside systems that reward disconnection and compliance -
and we internalize those systems before we have language to question them.
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From the moment we are dependent, we learn that belonging comes before authenticity.
A child does not ask, “Who am I?” They ask, “What keeps me connected?”
If love, safety, approval, or stability require adaptation, the nervous system adapts.
Not consciously. Automatically.
This is not a character flaw.
It’s survival biology.
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We learn what gets rewarded.
We learn what creates tension.
We learn what makes us easier to love, easier to manage, easier to keep.
And we learn it in the body first, long before we can think.
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That’s why we believe things we never chose.
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Once those adaptations work, they get reinforced everywhere.
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Families reward obedience, responsibility, emotional containment.
Schools reward compliance, performance, productivity.
Workplaces reward endurance, self-sacrifice, availability.
Culture rewards confidence, speed, optimization, image.
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At no point are we rewarded for staying connected to ourselves - especially if it slows things down or disrupts the system.
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So we learn to override.
We override hunger.
We override exhaustion.
We override discomfort.
We override truth.
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And because override is rewarded, we call it maturity.
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Thinking replaced sensing as our primary way of navigating life.
We learned to explain instead of feel.
To rationalize instead of listen.
To analyze instead of notice.
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The body became background noise - something to manage, optimize, or ignore - instead of the primary source of truth.
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And here’s the part most people miss:
You cannot think your way back into connection.
Because the thing that was lost wasn’t knowledge.
It was trust.
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You stopped trusting what your body was telling you because listening to it conflicted with what the outside world required.
We are not okay because we were taught that identity is something you build, not something you inhabit.
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Who you are became:
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what you produce
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how you perform
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how well you regulate yourself for others
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how “together” you seem
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So when you ask, “Why don’t I know what I want?”
The answer is: you were trained not to.
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Wanting is disruptive.
Truth is inconvenient.
Listening slows things down.
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So the signal goes quiet - not because it’s gone, but because it’s been ignored so consistently that it stops breaking through.
That’s not you forgetting.
That’s conditioning.
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We are not okay because we are living inside constructed realities -
roles, expectations, narratives - and mistaking them for truth.
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We believe:
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success equals worth
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struggle equals failure
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rest equals laziness
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boundaries equal selfishness
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sensitivity equals weakness
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adaptability equals virtue
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None of these are universal truths.
They are cultural agreements.
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And when you live inside them long enough, you forget there was ever another way to be.
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Reconnection is not taught, and when it happens, it feels threatening.
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Reconnection requires:
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slowing down
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feeling ambiguity
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tolerating discomfort
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listening without acting
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trusting internal signals over external validation
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Those capacities are not missing.
They are inhibited.
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They come back the moment you stop overriding and start trusting yourself.
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We are not okay because we have mistaken adaptation for identity, and no amount of insight, healing language, or self-improvement will fix that.
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This can sound overwhelming - like something too big to touch.
It isn’t.
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You don’t change this by fighting the system, fixing your past, or becoming more disciplined.
You change it in the smallest place it actually exists: the moment your body signals something and you usually override it.
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That moment happens quietly, dozens of times a day.
It might be a breath you don’t take.
A tension you ignore.
A “no” you talk yourself out of.
A pause you skip.
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You don’t need to catch all of them.
You don’t need to change your life.
You only need to notice one - and not override it.
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That’s where agency lives.
And that’s where everything starts to shift.
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The only thing that changes this is re-establishing relationship with the body as a source of truth.
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